Positivity, usually a word that exudes from my spirit as though it were limitless. I have been through trauma before, through times that are more difficult than others, but never like this. The past year my life has felt as though it is on pause. As though my life has paused to slap me in the face with gratitude for my own health. Watching the suffering of family with no way to help except just to be there, has truly been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. As each day has gone by I have watched the man I love most wither away with each chemotherapy visit, trip to the emergency room, surgery, procedure, and dose of heavy pain medication. I watch the color slowly drain from his face, the pounds shed leaving little left but bones, his spirit dim as though the strongest fire one has ever known has just had a bucket of water thrown on it, leaving nothing but the smoke. With it life has swallowed up whatever naivety I had left. Life has in no way left me jaded but it has certainly thrown my spirit into reality, shown me its true ugliness, and the most intense suffering anyone could ever know. Along with it there has also been beauty, laughter, strength, unwavering courage, and the softening of a man who would not so much as acknowledge the existence of a band-aid. Within even the darkest moments of our life there is a light. Being faced with overt impermanence grants one the true realization of the preciousness of each moment. It shows life's unpredictability and that even when we perceive invincibility, we are bound to the realities of impermanence. In the midst of chaos and darkness we can still be the light that shines on others and encourages a smile upon their face. Being the pure light that radiates out in times of darkness is beautiful no matter who chooses to see it or accept it. We only have control of the light that lies within us and how we emit that light into the world, what lies outside our control is how others see that light and whether or not they choose to accept it, but continue to shine we must. Fall is a time of transition, we can choose to see the beauty of that transition and enjoy it, or we can await darker times. Today I am grateful to live a life with no regrets. I wish to continue to enjoy each moment, each transition, each breath. My great grandmother said where there is breath there is life, I think she is right.
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